Video Reviews
by Zach Snyder
Warner Bros/Legendary Pictures (2009)
10 / 10
I went to Watchmen yesterday afternoon because financially I was in the pink and I knew I wanted to hate on this movie--is that a bad thing? I read the comic book Watchmen last Thanksgiving--it's on point as hell--so I had done my homework on the film adaptation way before the film came out, and had found that Alan Moore had cursed and hexed the adaptation (as had many other smart people, like Terry Gilliam). The main beef was that the comic book could not possibly translate well to film, as part of the joy of reading it is to piece together the non-linear narrative by flipping around the book by the fireside with hot drinks, says Moore in so many words. Such preemptive panning by the author is a harbinger of a waste of eight dollars movie admission--after all, he's got a really valid point, especially when considering that a film adaptation of a book with no pictures is a lot of fun because you don't have to think, but a film adaptation of a book that's mostly pictures is only fun if the images are weirder in the film.

This movie's easy on the eyes, and even easier on the brain--my first beef is that the characters look too much like the pictures in the book. In between checking my watch (and being a real life “Watchman” by watching the clock!), I played the game of recasting Watchmen in a perfect world with time travel: Berlin-era David Bowie as Ozymandias--the other dude who played him was too pedestrian and had a horrible wig; Peg Bundy as the Silk Spectre; Kelly Bundy as Laurie Jupiter; Martin Short in his Jack Frost costume (or Bud Bundy) (or Chris Kattan) (or Howdy Doody) as Rorschach; Robert Downey Jr. (or Al Bundy) as The Comedian--let's call a spade a spade here; Harold Ramis as Nite Owl 2; and Willie D from the Geto Boys as Dr. Manhattan.

Other points of note regarding the superficial parts of the movie: Richard Nixon had a rat nose/penis nose (which, incidentally, is the name of the next Devendra Banhart record), Dr. Manhattan's door knob penis was on point, stunt double continuity was dumb, the old people weren't gross enough, and there should have been more gay parts, says I. The music people loved Bob Dylan to death--I can't blame them--and did lots of eleventeen-year-old style mixing with a real loud beginning of a song at the beginning of some weird looking scene, and then turning it down real low for conversation so we can't enjoy the song instead of having the characters just shout real loud over the cool song (I know that no director has yet discovered this cinematic technique but when they do, I'll review their movie on Beatbots and give it 100 stars).

I'm tired of bitching about this movie and telling you what not to do with your money, so instead I'm going to finish this review with a review of this fantastic restaurant all the way out in Edgewood that I ate at last Friday with Angus and Lydia and Ethan. It's called Clarence's Taste of New Orleans and they serve food from New Orleans. Yum yum!!! It reminded me of when I was a kid in Baltimore city and restaurants weren't sexy--“sexy” here meaning real low lights, loud music, a big dumb sculpture somewhere, and people in clothes made out of materials from the future. I'm over that (even though I did have a good green curry at Lemongrass on Saturday, despite that Lemongrass, along with Pazo and Sascha's, is too sexy for me. Pazo makes me feel like I'm in the movie Caligula and Sascha's reminds me of people doing lewd things with musical instruments. Barf.)

Knotty pine styles are there at Clarence's (although I don't remember if there are any actual knotty pine walls). You get to sit in a captain's chair. They give you Mardi Gras beads to wear and it's right next to the MARC train stop and someone told me Obama ate their food and it was good to eat for him. I had crawfish etoufée, which was an ominous choice because Lydia, who had lived in New Orleans in the sixties and knew about all their styles, said etoufée is generally gross. The waitress overheard her and sassed her and she got bashful and laughed, so I figured it was worth it and it was 1000% good--crawfish in brown with rice and some spicy. I ate it two times, like the Doors song. Lydia had fried shrimp and sweet potato fries, and we also all ate fried oysters and fried crawfish, and discovered that Clarence can fry anything perfectly so it was like when I lived in Japan and all things were delicious. Ethan had a blackened catfish sandwich, which was an incredible treat even though it presented the meal's one downfall--the tomatoes were death-apple gross white insides styles, though that can be excused seeing as it's not tomato season anyway. Angus had a little of everything in this New Orleans sampler platter thing with jambalaya and red beans and rice and andouille and gumbo, so he was laughing all the way to the bank. For dessert, we had bread pudding in bourbon sauce, which made me miss my fighting days when I was a big drunk in New York City! What a treat. Please go to Clarence's and keep them in business for me!!! Here is their website—mention this review to get a weird look! I give Clarence's 10 stars, as seen above, and there's no more room in the stars section for me to rate Watchmen, sorry. Clarence's beats Watchmen, K.O.!!!!
Posted by: Ann Everton

Video Reviews (March 23rd, 2009)

Tags: delicious treats