Video Reviews
by Timur Bekmambetov
Universal (2008)
7 / 10
I just saw that action movie "Wanted," by the Russian director Timur Bekmambetov. I'm feeling these action movies. When I used to work at a barbershop, there was this busted dude who used to come in and hit on me on this "you like fine wines and foreign films and jazz" tip. This was some bullshit because, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times--I'm more of a Geto-Boys-and-Jubilee type. You can't judge a book by its cover--these action movies are on point. Folks are tired of that movie about the little ballet dancing Irish boy. We wanna see Angelina Jolie's snakey arms and guns!!! (You see her butt too!)

This movie "Wanted" follows the story of some feckless mope named Wesley Gibson (James Mc Avoy) who works in an office and gets crapped on so hard by life that he seems to be sort of pumped about it. He ALMOST wriggles in it--there's a great Dickens/Harry Potter fairy tale flagellation thing going on here. His boss is an overweight lady (prejudice) who is irascible and eats a lot of donuts (prejudice) and enjoys busting his balls. Actually, in a way, she's kind of that hot sort of overweight where the fat is round and compact, as opposed to Weekly World News style. (When I was a kid those pictures used to scare me so bad, and then my mom would call me Cholesterol Queen because all I ate was cheese. I turned out fine.)

Besides the cubicle inferno, this otiose dude Wesley also has a busted girlfriend who he's monogamous with although she's cheating on him with his best friend. It seems that Wesley is cognizant and the best friend is just a fathead. Just as you start to get bored with Wesley's character development and ineptitude at being a sympathetic character for Ann Everton among other people, Angelina Jolie the Tattooed Lady shows up waving guns in a convenience store to protect Wesley from some guy who supposedly shot his estranged pap and now is coming for him.

Angelina Jolie whisks Wesley away from the irritable would-be assassin and takes him (after a car chase which ends with the Pina Colada song and Angelina Jolie laffin' all the way to the bank) to a magical building where a bunch of cool people are weaving with daunting machines and eating jovial lunches in a lunch room. This turns out to be the Chicagoland headquarters of The Fraternity, an ancient group of societally-benevolent assassins/weavers who do all these tricks, like bend the flight of bullets or heal wounds with weird wax in potholes. Wesley is freaked out after he shoots the wings off a fly at their leader Morgan Freeman's request, and runs off to normalcy and his old life.

However, the next day Wesley finds he has inherited a large sum of money and acts up and sasses all those he perceives to be taking advantage of him in a way which is very satisfying to the audience. He goes from looking like this lame dude a friend of mine dated to Michael J. Fox! He returns to the Weaver zone and gets broken in violently and has a big adventure which is very gory and beautiful. I feel like if I write any more summary I'll give away too many treats and surprises. There's a train in the movie, that's all I'm going to say, because I'm fond of trains. Ooh, and Terrence Stamp!

Some of this movie was so ridiculous and indulgent that I laughed like a damn donkey--there's this overbearing undertone to the movie which relates that the director feels the audience is emasculated by society! It's a trip. You really can't take it too seriously or else you will be sad because of a mere movie. This is not "Peer Gynt" and it's OK. I haven't even seen "Peer Gynt". I haven't seen Timur Bekmambetov's other movie about the vampires, "Night Watch", either. Oh, I'll probably see it one day. First, though, I have to see "The Goonies" and "Dirty Dancing". But that's neither here nor there--it's 30 minutes till my bedtime and I want to finish this review about the movie "Wanted".

When I finished watching "Wanted", I felt this movie will make some people happy that the Cold War ended, and it will make some people wish this Russian-directed movie wasn't so American. One-world culture is scary after all, especially if it's patterned after American culture.

Here's some Robert Anton Wilson-style exercises to do now that you are done reading my review:

1. Renee my roommate asked me this one the other day: If you were to choose a different culture in which to be raised as an ethnic native, what would it be? Why? Choose a few! Keep thinking!

2. Although many white American people's standard of female beauty coincides with Angelina Jolie's physique, why is she so exotic? Would she be as exotic if she were as big as Wesley's boss in the movie? (Assume that her personality is exactly the same--which includes same air of confidence and self-esteem.) (Believe you me, this question is not to pick on my girl Angelina--it's just what the scientists at Harvard call "a brain teaser"!)

3. Who's feeling James McAvoy? Is he hot to you? Why? (It's OK if he is; I'm just curious--you can email me if you want.)

4. If you see this movie, does it make you want to go work out and look like a Frank Frazetta picture? This is how: lots of sweet potatoes and animal fats, and exercise every day. Don't thank me!!!

Posted by: Ann Everton

Video Reviews (July 3rd, 2008)

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