HAY I'm 21 today! Happy birthday to myself! Awesome.
A Legal Drink
by Smoooth Henry
I came home from the Seder and hung out with my roommate until she went to sleep. Realizing I've been 21 for ten minutes already, I decided it was time to see what I've been missing all these years. I got in the car and went to the bar down the street from my place. I walk in and this huge bouncer guy asks me for ID.
Now, I've always hated bouncers. They are the embodiment of what is wrong with our society: reinforcing classism, agism, and the socioeconomic castes that are already painfully prevalent in our country (also, rewarding disgusting bald fat men with jobs isn't what I would call a "good idea" but whatever!). And this guy, I gave him one look and decided that he's a douche bag. I hand over my ID, he looks at it, looks at the clock, looks at my ID again, and then smiles. "Happy birthday!" He turns to the bartender and says, "Hey, this guy's been 21 for forty minutes, can I buy him a beer?" Alright! This guy is cool! Turns out that as long as you're on the right side, having big fat bald men around can work to your advantage.
I sat at the bar and get served a drink for the first legal time. It was more exciting than I'd like to admit. One of the bar ladies was sitting next to me and started talking to me. I made up a story about myself because I like lying to people (I told her I was from Israel and working here only for a couple more months, which I wish was truth, so it's OK that I said that). She looks at me and says, "So what do you do, computers?" I asked if it was that obvious and she laughed.
A couple of friends called me to wish my happy birthday, but I couldn't talk too much because some shitty band was covering some shitty songs. It soon became clear that I got too excited over too little
I finished my beer and went back home. I plan on watching more television, folding my laundry, and then buying a lot of liquor tomorrow. I still have that gallon of whisky at work, but I think I should just keep it there for emergencies.