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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
by Steven Spielberg
Paramount Pictures (2008)
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said? Indiana Jones/Harrison Ford is old as shit--but I ain't saying anything new there, because Shia LaBoeuf's character asks Indiana Jones at one point during the movie, "What are you, like 80?" Here I am thinking I'm smart and sassy on the way to the Senator with my friends and folks razzing on Harrison Ford for being a million years old, and lo and behold, the filmmakers are aware.

So maybe I can go on about how cheesy the film is--but it knew it, it was aware as well--Spielberg wanted the film to be like a 50's B-movie. I thought it was on some original old people behavior, not getting the joke as to how ridiculous and over the top the movie was, but apparently it was the filmmakers' intentions to laff and laff and laff when Old Man Adventure gets sassed by a Marlon Brando baby boy (LaBoeuf on a motorcycle), or when he survives nuclear fallout by hiding in a refrigerator, or when he witnesses an alien autopsy in a jeep by some rowdy Russians. There are triple secret agents, crystal aliens, and irritable Incans gnashing their teeth for human sacrifices. This is the best kids movie ever!!!!!

The plot of this movie is so weird I'm not even going to begin to summarize it--Spielberg and all them boys kept it such a big secret beforehand that one dude who stole documents from the set pertaining to the story got more than two years in gaol. Suffice it to say that there are a lot of chase scenes, Shakespearian identity jumbles, and conspiracy theory disinformational mishmashes. Also snake ropes and googley dead dried bodies that Harrison Ford scrabbles about and tucks into like a Thanksgiving dinner. Harrison Ford was my first crush. I was in 5th grade. This was before I realized he's almost 40 years my senior and into girls who probably do rowing and do not have thick healthy legs (i.e. Calista Flockhart).

One thing I was really feeling about the Indiana Jones movie was that they used absolutely no special effects on the computer unless they had to, and they gave Karen Allen a completely authentic and realistic busted haircut to make her look old and crappy even though we all know she is an incredible babe. Actually, I'm not feeling that last part--they were just trying to old her up to keep up w/ Harrison Ford's crotchety old man styles. Don't let her hair fool you though; she's a still a sly sexy fox.

I love all this alien shit. The Indiana Jones people in the movie are no more surprised to see the aliens than they would be to see a three-legged Cocker Spaniel. "It's whatever!"

I feel like if I saw an alien I would be upset. These alien pictures scare me so bad. The ones with the aliens hiding in the bushes are the scariest to me. Those pictures make me never want to hid in the bushes or go in the woods again! If you want to see a weird sexy alien picture, look here. That girl looks like my hero Jennifer Herrema when she dyed all her hair white. She looks like HAN SOLO'S GIRLFRIEND!!!!!! This movie gets 10 stars because there are more then 10 movie stars in it and because ten year-olds will have stars in their eyes after seeing it.
Posted by: Ann Everton

Video Reviews (June 11th, 2008)

Tags: Indiana Jones


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